Personal Accountability

I can't stand what I call "Reactive Parents!" What I mean is the type that makes a big fuss about defending their child when they feel the child has been wronged, instead of possibly doing some productive parenting ahead of time to have potentially avoided the situation. Today I'll address a pair of specific examples in the news recently.

You may have seen the recent story regarding "Sexting" that led to a girl's suicide. First of all, you may not agree, but in MY opinion, when a youth commits suicide, the parents have failed to convey some measure of love to that child. If you have properly shown your child that they have unconditional love from their family, and have taught that child the proper respect for life, there is nothing that can get them so distraught that they'll resort to suicide. In this particular case, the young lady took some suggestive photos with her cell phone camera and sent them to a friend. Somehow, those photos got circulated throughout her peers and she became unbearably embarrassed, and took her own life. Her parents have actually filed a lawsuit against her school for not doing enough to keep her from being harassed by the other students.

Is it just me or does anyone else believe that the whole matter of culpability lies in the fact that she took the pictures and sent them herself?!! The pictures weren't secretly taken or stolen by someone else. SHE took nude photos of herself, and SHE sent them to a friend. You can say that the friend wasn't supposed to share the photos with others, but the fact remains that had there been no photos in the first place, they couldn't have been shared! Instead of "reacting" by filing lawsuits after their daughter's death, maybe the parents' time could've been better spent teaching their daughter the possible consequences of taking nude photos.

And then there's Yearbook Mom. I saw a story the other day about a mother and daughter who didn't like the daughter's yearbook picture and wanted the school to stop distribution of the yearbook, and have it reprinted without the questionable photo. Here's their story...

The student knew yearbook pictures were being taken, so she decided not to wear underwear that day so the photos wouldn't show pantylines. When the photo was published, there is some question as to whether her bare crotch could be seen. The student and her mother believe it is visible, while the school maintains that it's merely a shadow. Shadow or not, now the girl is horribly embarrassed and her mother is outraged, and wants action taken.

Again, I go back to the choice that the student made for herself. She KNEW photos would be taken, and thought ahead enough to try to avoid pantylines, yet it never occurred to her to make sure she wore a dress of appropriate length?? My first question as a parent would've been to my daughter, asking "Why were you wearing a dress that short? You thought to make sure a line wouldn't show through your clothes, but never thought that maybe you should make sure your genitalia was covered??"

Where is personal accountability these days? Instead of running to the nearest authority and proclaiming how you've been wronged, how about taking a moment to step back and think how you may have prevented the situation from occurring in the first place.

Be Positive

The weather in my area has been quite beautiful lately. Wherever you may be, I have a task for you to accomplish the next time you look outside and notice how beautiful the weather is. I know that many of us have crazy schedules and work keeps you busy, but just slow down, take five minutes of time alone to sit and think about what you are thankful for.

If you commit to doing it, the task is not very difficult. Maybe take a walk during your lunch break, sit quietly in the car before you pull out of the parking lot, find a nearby park...whatever you have to do, just do it.

We all have something to be thankful for! Without getting too spiritual, you can be thankful that you have a loving family, thankful that you have/had caring parents, thankful that you have an income during this strained economy.

On the surface, you may think that this is a silly exercise, but you'd be amazed at how much better you feel when you take a moment to focus on the positives in your life. So often, we get caught up in the negatives and the stress around us, that we forget about the wonderful things that we have access to in our lives.

I watched the news recently and saw the story of David Kellermann, acting CFO of Fannie Mae, who took his own life. I watched as they wheeled his body out of his $900k home, and instantly thought "I'm sure that there are people less than 15 minutes from that house, who fight everyday to live on the streets with no home, and THIS man thought his life was so bad that he had nothing to live for?!" Ask yourself...do you think Mr. Kellermann ever stopped to think about what he had to be thankful for?

Happy Sunday

Ok...this is going to catch some of you by surprise but, it's only 130p and I've really enjoyed my day thus far. Why? Because it felt good to go to church this morning!

I'm not an overly spiritual person, but there are times like this morning, where it just "feels right" to sitting in church. I was feeling a bit sluggish this morning, but once I got into the sanctuary and starting singing and feeling the music, my spirit was truly lifted, as I stood there in the choir loft and sang the words:

"I Love You Jesus

I worship and adore You

Just want to tell

Lord, I Love You more than anything."

I found myself sitting there during the message, saying my own private prayer of thanks, "Thank you Lord for bringing me here to this place. We both know that I am a sinner and that I have many faults. But thank you for at least guiding me to not do wrong at this particular moment, and to be in your house. Thank you for using music as the tool to have me come into your house, and hear your word. I could be listening to, or singing anything...but instead, I am here, singing your praises this morning, and it makes my heart feel good. Thank you!"

What a wonderful day!

Hmmm...I wonderland

Hold on tight...we're about to go to a portion of my brain that doesn't get visited very often. It's called Hmmm...I wonderland. I'm a person who usually prefers to make a decision, live with it, and not look back. 90% of the time, that philosophy has worked for me in life, so I roll with it.
Every now and then it's human to look back and think "What if....?"
"What if I would've gotten then hint when my prom date asked me to unzip her dress?"
"What if I would've actually gone to class in high school?"
"What if I wasn't introduced to porn at such a young age?"
A little while ago, I had a brief "what if..." moment that I had to get over quickly, and move on, simply because I'm a grown up and that's what grown ups do!

Let me explain: there's a young lady from my past that, for years, I had looked at as "the one who got away." I don't want to embarrass her, or put her out there like that, so for this passage, she shall remain nameless.

There was a time when we were very close friends...so close that I developed an infatuation for her. However, I never told her about it. Oddly enough, for a person who doesn't succumb to regret, for many years, not telling her how I felt, sat there in the back of my mind. Try as I might, I wasn't able to let it go. I'd find myself sitting somewhere, start to think about the period of time when we were friends, and hopelessly wonder how she was. There was this one time that I "swore" I saw her in the parking lot of a Grateful Dead concert, but the lovely woman who I spoke to was not her at all. It's amazing what shrooms and bowls of pot will cause you to see!

Several years ago, I found myself at a park, beneath a big beautiful tree, in the mood to do some writing. A woman and her daughter walked by and she reminded me of my crush from years ago, so I decided that I needed to get these feelings out of me. So I laid there and wrote her a poem, saying all the things that had been on my mind. Of course, I had NO intention on ever letting her read my words...it was strictly for my mental health. That mental exercise worked wonders! Years went by and I barely even thought about her. All was fine and dandy...and then after many years of no contact at all, we re-connected.

I saw her eyes, her smile, and for a few moments, I was back in school all over again! I got nervous at first, but then I thought back to my poem. There was nothing to be nervous about...she knew how I felt, and it was ok...or at least that's what I told myself. I took a deep breath, gathered my composure, and we had a lovely time conversing as old friends catching up...and I avoided taking the exit marked "Hmmm...I wonderland"

The Return of #28

Ok...it's time to start Blogging again. It is time to get back into that wonderfully pretentious habit that many of us know and love so much. I call it pretentious because what makes me think that anyone gives a damn about what I have to say about anything?? Why is my voice that important that someone wants to spend time out of his/her day to read what I have to say??

And then I answer that question by saying "Actually...I don't give a damn! This is MY personal therapy." So, I invite anyone who chooses to read my musings to enjoy yourself along the journey into the inner me. Trust me, it's a scary, dangerous place, but it's a place that features a lot of deep thoughts, opinions, emotions, and occasionally some really funny stuff. (Not nearly as funny as the things in Rick Younger's life, found at rickyounger.blogspot.com, but he's a damn professional!)

Today's blog is a brief message about how you need to get back on the horse of life, after it has thrown you. Let me explain: those of you close to me, know that my father in law just passed away after a very quick battle with diabetes. A battle which saw him have both feet amputated just a month before his passing. Well, my wife shared an incident with me today, that initially got me in trouble for laughing, but once I pleaded my case, she understood why I HAD to laugh.

She told me about how her mother was choosing an outfit for my father in law to be buried in, and how she was asked for her opinion. She looked over what her mother had chosen: Nice suit, shirt, tie, accessories...and then she looked over the ensemble and said "Ma, you forgot his socks!" At that point in the story, I kinda lost it, and began laughing. She finally realized...a moment like that can make you laugh or cry, and at this moment, I'm about cried out for a lil while.

Todd Bozeman

Many folks wonder what's the big deal about the NCAA basketball tournament aka March Madness. To me, it's simple...all year long, the radio and tv shows cover the "big guys" of college basketball, and the tournament in March is time to hear the rest of the stories. Today, I bring to you a story that carries a very valuable lesson. The subject of today's story is Morgan State head basketball coach Todd Bozeman.

Let's get right to the juicy parts of Bozeman's fame, as it were. In 1993, he took over as head basketball coach at University of California Berkeley, when their coach was fired with ten games remaining in their regular season. Bozeman led the Cal Bears into the NCAA tournament, where they upset two-time defending champion Duke, making Bozeman the youngest coach (29) to ever lead a team to the Sweet Sixteen round. It was a huge upset at the time, but that Cal team featured a pair of would-be NBA talents. Things seemed all rosy for Bozeman, until he was forced to resign iZn the fall of 1996. He admitted to paying 30k over two years, to a recruit's parents to be able to come watch him play. When the young man's playing time decreased, his parents turned Bozeman in to the NCAA. Along with sanctioning the university, the NCAA also imposed an eight-year "show-cause" order on Bozeman. The show-cause order meant that until 2005, no NCAA member school could hire Bozeman without permission. The NCAA came down particularly hard on Bozeman because he'd lied to school and NCAA officials about his role in making the payments. Since most schools will not even consider hiring a coach with an outstanding "show-cause" on his record, Bozeman was effectively blackballed from the college ranks for eight years. Let's get this straight...he didn't keep any money. He gave this money to a kid's parents to be able to come watch their son play ball. And for that, Todd Bozeman had his dream snatched right from within his grasp.

He cheated, he got caught, he paid the ultimate career price. When you pay for a debt with time, that is currency that you can never get back. So, he quietly worked as a scout in the NBA, as his name was totally associated with the word "cheater." He hope that one day, he could get back to the profession that he loved, and was good at, coaching. And then came Morgan State. It was a marriage made in heaven as both sides were hungry for success and both sides were completely desperate with things to prove. Bozeman needed an opportunity, and Morgan State needed someone to come in and change a losing culture. In his three years as the head coach, Bozeman has guided MSU to a 55-40 overall record. And just yesterday, they received the school's first ever invitation to the NCAA tournament.

The great thing is that Bozeman recognizes his story as a teaching tool. He doesn't hide, or shy away from talking about what he did. He is qualified to talk to any young man who might be thinking of doing wrong to get ahead in his career by saying "Look at what I did. I cheated and I lost eight years of my career. That is not the way to go!" He can even address a young man who has done wrong to say, "I cheated, I got caught, and I paid a very expensive price. But I didn't give up, and you don't have to give up either." Whatever angle taken to convey his story, Todd Bozeman's career has given him the perspective to be an excellent teacher...which is exactly what every coach should be.

My Father In Law

When I originally sat down, I was about to blog about the Super Bowl, but now that will have to wait until the next blog. Suddenly the Super Bowl seems a lot less important after the phone call that I just had with my wife.

To tell the story properly, we have to back up just a bit. For the past six months, my father in law has been having some circulatory problems with his feet. There was some concern that it had to do with his diabetes, so he was being good about sticking to his diet, and increasing his exercise regimen. However, his feet were continuing to worsen. When he and my mother in law came in town (they live in Ocean City) for Cmas, he had trouble even walking. It had gotten so painful that my brother in law had to drive them back home, so my father in law wouldn't have to drive. They left here the Saturday evening after Cmas, and on Monday, my FIL had a doctor's appointment. Well, that appointment led to him having to be immediately admittedly to the hospital, which eventually led to him having some toes removed. He has been in rehab, but of course, this is a lot for him to handle, mentally.

So, my wife just called me and said that she just talked to her brother. The hospital called him to say that my FIL was severely dehydrated, nearly in a diabetic coma state, and to avoid having infection spread, they have to perform emergency amputation on both of his feet.

No matter how hard I try, I can not fathom going to sleep, and then waking up to find my feet are gone. I can't imagine the type of mental strength that it would take to get through that kind of trauma. My FIL is retired Army, retired Baltimore City Govt engineer, active in community and local government issues. For 20 years, he's been the busiest retiree I've ever seen! Always on the go...always independent. And now, from this day forward, life has changed. He will have to learn to accept help from others to do most things that have always been elementary.

To be blatantly honest, what worries me the most is his attitude. My father in law is over 80 years old. He's always been an active and proud man, and a strong leader. I'm scared that he will view this physical setback as a defeating blow, instead of simply an obstacle to overcome. He has many days of rehab ahead of him, just to be able to do basic things on his own again, and I worry that he'll choose not to fight. I worry that he'll think "I'm over 80. I've had a good life. I'm too tired to do the work necessary to get back out there. Just let me fade away quietly." I don't think of him as that type of person, but you never know how you'll react, until faced with the situation.My father in law